shits and giggles

I was perusing some old blog posts from my innocent youth, and gee, what a windbag was I!

Case in point:

“The horrible, ungrateful person whom I have been leeching wireless internet off of throughout my house decided to turn it off, cutting loose both my laptop’s safety and my vision of the American Dream. Thus, I am exiled to the farthest corner of the bottom floor, huddled in a blanket because my father refuses to turn up the thermostat. This is definately a boy thing. However, I am slowly being weaned back on to the subtle pleasures of home, such as flouridated water, The Food Network, ostantatious nativity scenes, Steve Buscemi movies, and natural gas stoves. I have many plans, some of which I have enacted so far, including going back to Murrow and seeing Sweeney Todd and being in the sweet sweet presence of Shalom Hunan, Jerusalem Barbeque, and Eichler’s Market yet again! Today I attended the holiday party of my autistic uncle’s Special House For Retarded People and was bitten (not by my uncle), as well as have had a full cup of soda thrown at me from across the room! Like many a New York resident on Thursday, I sat with eyes glued to NY1 until the wee hours in anticipation of a transit strike, which did not happen, because from my experience, nobody in the United States ever, ever goes on strike. In between the mediocre news stories and Time-Life Disco Compilation CD ads, I enjoyed immensely the hard-hitting reporters excitedly recounting their witnessing of “grim looking” union representatives leaving and entering the inner sanctum, as if they were performing high-stakes liver transplant surgery.”

Thank God I’m a Woman Of Few Words these days! One-word, grunted answers to specific questions only are what I’m about now that I’m old and damaged! I should probably bury that shit up under a tree in my backyard. The world doesn’t need to judge me when I decide to have a middle-life crisis and show up in a whole ‘nother latitude with a new name, a new blog, a new accent, and new breasts. The internet spares nobody these days, now that we’re working up to Internet 2.0 and I can write on Barack Obama’s facebook. It’s time to delete everything on my hard drive (which has already happened, thanks to the geniuses at Apple!), buy a hot little Vespa on ebay with a stolen credit card number, and ride off into the proverbial sunset.

Too bad I’m a real sedentary office worker now with a real sedentary office job! Working in an ESL lab causes one to grow tough(er) skin. I can’t wait to go back to Quebec and hang out with people who speak English and each require their own individual bottles of wine at social gatherings. ‘Till then, I’ll be perfecting my souffle technique so it’ll be flawless and deft upon my return.